Monday, June 6, 2011

Questioning and Grieving

Why do people feel so hopeless they need to die? When does that become the only option in their mind? What events occur to make a person feel so small? Why can't they open up and just talk to someone? Why do they put their lives in so much danger and eventually the ultimate danger for their self, their personal reasons? Why, why, why, why, why!?

Questions are just pouring through my mind. All day, well since 1pm, when I recieved the news. One of my friends that I have known for quite a few years, since elementary school actually, committed suicide. It came as a complete shock to everybody I know. She did it this weekend sometime, but it became "public" so to speak today.

I don't really know how to feel. I'm sad, confused, upset. I just don't really know what to do. She was literally one of the sweetest girls you'd ever meet. She was ALWAYS smiling. I know you can put up a mask, but she really did seem genuinely happy. I just talked to her at work. She told me she was transferring to my school in the fall. She was excited. She knew me and another girl, but I told her I could introduce her to some people until she got her footing. We were going to go down a day this summer so I could show her around. Just knowing all this eats me up even more.

I have a headache, a dread sitting in the pit of my stomach, unshed tears behind my eyes, a constant worry in my mind.
I want to just wake up and this have been a nightmare. We weren't terribly close, but we were close enough that it affects me and I truly care about what has happened. She was not stranger to me and my family. It is so weird to think about the fact that the first person in our class to die has died. I know that's morbid, but it's true. Just can't believe it was her.

I am trying not to dwell, but I think that there is a very fine line. We need time to grieve when a loved one dies. She is gone forever, no more moments will be made. A song that we actually analyzed in AP English last year, so I think it's kind of appropriate, has been helping me. I keep listening to it tonight lol and would love to share it with you. It's called I Grieve by Peter Gabriel:

If it doesn't work: I Grieve by Peter Gabriel

Yes, it is terribly sad and we're all allowed to be sad for awhile. We've lost a dear friend afterall. However, she wouldn't have wanted us to always mourn her loss. Instead to prosper in her abscense and remember her for all her good. She will be very dearly missed and no, I haven't completely come to terms with it yet, but I know I'll get there eventually. Until then, I am trying to remember her positively in my mind. I will miss her, as I know so many others will. Prayers are going out for her family, her closest friends, the ones who knew her most.

I was at my sister's concert tonight and they sang a song that made me think of this whole situation. It seems that Ashley would've agreed with this and made me smile some thinking about it.

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing

Thanks for letting me vent. This is a tricky time for us here. Love to you all.


  1. I am so sorry to hear about your friend Hannah. That's so sad. Thinking of you and sending a hug.

  2. I'm so sorry about your friend, Hannah. ((((hugs)))

  3. How sad, Hannah and how difficult for all who knew your friend. I lost a co-worker in the same manner a little over a year ago leaving everyone who knew him with so many unanswered questions. I pray that you receive comfort and strength and peace of mind during this difficult time.

  4. Thanks to all three of you. We found out some new information about the 'how' part of the equation today, but nothing about the 'why'. Everyone is truly in the dark. One of our friends was the one to find her though and it was possibly her insulin that was the instrument for her death. I can't imagine being her. My heart aches at the thought of having to live with that, even though it was not her fault. Her funeral will be Friday. I appreciate the hugs and prayers. They're definitely needed this time around lol. *hugs back* Love you,

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss Hannah. :(

    I remember losing my first school friend. It was very hard.